Love at first sight – what is that? It’s something I unfortunately did not experience. It has taken me 12 weeks to admit that to myself and to be comfortable enough to say it out loud. It’s not something that I am proud of, but it is fact, and it is an experience that is commonly unspoken of.
I definitely suffered from some sort of post natal depression, or I should probably say ‘am suffering’. It’s all self diagnosed, as I never thought it was that bad to have treated. But I know now that it is fact, because I only truly experienced that squishy feeling of love for my little girl on Sunday past (7 days ago). You know, that feeling of love that wants to burst through your seams? I mean, of course I loved her from the day she arrived, but the love I feel now is completely different.
This feeling that is gushing through my veins, is picking up speed at a steady pace. I cannot keep up with it. It’s almost overwhelming. I just want to hold her, and smell her and be near to her. I am loving her so much to the point that I have become protective. It’s almost as if I want to put her back inside of me so that I can protect her forever, so that she would not have to be exposed to the ruthless ways of this world, so that I can have her close to me always. My thoughts wonder to what I would do if she had to come in harm’s way, and I cannot fathom it. I instantly break out into tears for the fear of her being harmed.I am so grateful for my four best friends, who allow me to talk to them about my feelings openly, without having to feel shy or embarrassed or ashamed. And I am so thankful that just last night they reminded me that I need to strengthen my faith. Everything happens only by the will of the Almighty, good or bad. Everything on this earth is borrowed, it does not belong to me. I have been bestowed this gift of life (my life and her life), which I need to nurture and protect, as one day I will have to return that gift to the Almighty. I need to love her only for the sake of the Almighty.
Everything that I am going through is only but a test, a test of my faith. I need to constantly remind myself that it is only my faith that can get me through the trials of this life. I am reminded yet again that all praises are due to the Almighty.