They say that she is too young for separation anxiety, I say that that is totally false. She cried for most of the day and refused to drink the bottle. She was also highly upset with me, as she wouldn’t make eye contact with me for almost two hours after I returned from work. It felt like a lifetime! She fell asleep on the way home and I waited oh so impatiently for her to wake so that she could smile at me again. It was shocking, but most of all it was hurtful. I couldn’t believe that my little girl was angry because I left her. Did she feel abandoned? My first day was officially more tough for her than it was me, totally honest!
I wore the biggest sunglasses as I drove to work, to hide the many tears that streamed down my face. I cried even more thinking about the huge tears that were rolling over her chubby cheeks. Even though it was a really busy at work (I’m returning at the most busiest time of the year), I was constantly counting down the hours, and then the minutes, until it was time for me to leave so that I could be with her. I missed her. I missed her smell. I missed nursing. I missed holding and cuddling. I missed changing her nappy. I missed that spit up smell on my shoulder because I played too much for her little full tummy. I missed everything. And most of all, I missed us!
I wished so badly that I could return to work those first few weeks after she was born. So that I could gain control again and gain some sort of normality. Back then I thought it would be easy. Now, almost 4 months later, I hated having to go back to work and it was extremely difficult! I hated being apart from her for so long. Gosh, so much change in so little time. Time, time, everyone said I just needed time.
This too will change. This phase too shall pass. It will get easier.
I need to remind myself that I am doing this for her. I need to remind myself that she will be okay. I need to remind myself that I will be okay. I need to remind myself that just like with everything, I need to rely on the Almighty first before anything or anyone else, to get me through this part of motherhood.
Oh Princess Porschie, how I wish tomorrow did not have to repeat today!