I remember when my sister once told me that there would come a time when I would not be able to imagine life without her, that life before her would become meaningless and incomplete, and that my new life would become my everything. When Princess Porschie was crying all day, every day, struggling with her gas and needing to be held all day, I couldn’t imagine that those feelings would surface. So many times, at 5pm in the afternoon, after I had been holding her the entire day, I would feel as though my life was over. I craved my old life during those moments. I just wanted things to go back to how they were. I wanted to go back to the time where I had control. The fact of the matter was, after 12 weeks, I could still imagine life without her. As heartsore as that is to say out loud, I am not shy or embarrassed to confess my feelings and to share with you my initial take on motherhood. I am here to tell you that it is normal, that there are many other mama’s who went through the same thing and that that it will and does get better.
One day, without noticing, things changed. I realised that the more she smiled, the more I smiled. The more settled she became, the more settled I became. The longer she slept off the arm, the more I began to feel like myself again. It was clear, as things became easier for her, it undoubtedly became easier for me! I didn’t feel trapped anymore. My life didn’t feel out of control anymore. I thought about my old life less and less as each day passed. I slowly began to accept motherhood.
And to be honest and truthful, it most probably was the other way round. The more I smiled, the more she smiled. The more settled I became, the more settled she became. As things became easier for me, they became easier for her.
Nevertheless, it did change. Motherhood became the best thing that ever happened to me. I fell in love. I fell in love with all aspects of motherhood and my little girl. The never ending explosions of love that pumps through my veins just cannot be described in words.
It may have taken me longer than others, but I got through it and I did it. I discovered my passion – I became a mother – my biggest achievement in this life! My life before Ammaarah was incomplete, it was meaningless. This is my purpose. This is my life. This is my everything.
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