I wish someone had warned me…

Heaven alone knows why, when I was pregnant, I only and constantly prayed for a successful natural birth. It would be a ritual in my daily prayers to ask the Almighty for a successful pregnancy and a successful natural birth. I was so naive and ignorant. I did not think about after birth. I did not think about nursing. I did not think about my emotions. Seeing all the pictures that mama’s put up of their peaceful sleeping babies made me believe that I was going to master motherhood and ace the transition from being me to being a mama. I was so wrong! There are so many things I did not know.

Before you read any further, I need to mention to you that this was my experience and that as everyone is unique, everyone’s experience is different. I pray that you do not go through what I went through. I truly wish for you to have the best experience with your transition. But during that fourth trimester, I wished and wished so hard to turn back the hands of time so that someone could have warned me about what I was truly about to go through when I became a mother. So I am here to tell you about my experience, I am here to be that person I wished for, someone who would go into a little bit more depth of what the initial phase of motherhood could be like.

And I am here to tell you and prove to you that it gets better. It gets better every day. You have to grow into it. And once you do, it will be the most rewarding experience. Life before her would have become meaningless and incomplete (read my post about this here). You will fall in love…completely, unconditionally and eternally. 

So here goes. These are some of the things I wish someone had told me….

  • Everyone said that breastfeeding would come naturally. LIE. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, let alone the most excruciating pain I have ever felt.
  • Everyone said there would be love at first sight…but as I said in my previous post (read about that here), that was a myth to me.
  • Everyone warned me that I would be sleep deprived, which is what I expected, but no one warned me about the consequences of sleep deprivation- Anger-Resentment-Depression-Moody. I hated life.
  • The antenatal classes warned me about the baby blues and post natal depression, but no one spoke about the depths of it. I wished for her to be back in my tummy. I wasn’t sure if I loved her. I cried multiple times a day. I cried the moment she woke up, for the fear of having to bear the pain of nursing again. I hated myself. I resented Zieyaad for doing this to me. I resented him for being able to drink coffee with our visitors while I was stuck in my room nursing a baby that would not stop crying. I wanted to go back to being me. I did not want this. (Yes, this is how terrible and awful you could possibly feel)
  • Did anyone ever mention to you that the hormone imbalance will make you sweat and smell stinky? I wanted to take a shower so badly, but this baby who would not stop crying did not allow me to. I sat there, smelly, nursing my baby and feeling completely grossed out at the entire experience.
  • Did anyone ever mention that you would possibly wish so badly for your old life to return? (Post natal depression)
  • Did anyone ever mention that you will feel completely useless and like an utter and total failure when your baby refuses to stop crying? And she did not stop crying. And whenever she woke, I already felt like I was failing.
  • Did anyone ever mention that the first two weeks is the honeymoon stage, where they truly nurse, poop and sleep all day? But when those two weeks are over that is when the s**t really hits the fan?
  • What about the pain of the engorgement of your breasts when your milk starts to flow? I won’t go into the gory details of this, please rather google it.
  • Or how horrid you would feel having just fell asleep for the 10th time that evening, only to be woken by a screaming baby 5 minutes later? Making you even more moody than you were a few minutes ago?
  • Or how you would cry with your baby, looking at her and shaking her, screaming for someone to please tell you what the heck is going on?
  • There was a time where she fussed while I was feeding. And because I thought that feeding was the solution, I forced her to nurse in the hope that she would stop crying. And when she didn’t, I just plonked her on the bed and left her to cry and screamed at her to stop?
  • Everyone told me to keep my energy levels up. I needed to eat and drink lots of fluids. But how the heck was I supposed to do this when my baby would not stop crying?

And now I am crying as I am writing this post. I am reading it over and over, and each time I read it, I realise how bad it sounds. I think I should stop now. Should I post this? I don’t want to scare you. I don’t want to scare you away from experiencing true love (you think you loved someone until you meet your baby – indescribable).

But I have to post this. I promised myself that I would not hide these things that so many others hide. I promised myself that I would share my story. I promised myself that I would help other mama’s as much and as far as I am able to.

Even though this was a traumatising experience for me, I now would never wish to ever go back. This is my life. This is my purpose. I breathe for her. I live for her. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have found my passion.

I am forever thankful to the Almighty for bestowing this gift upon me. I now pray that I am able to fulfill my duties of being a mother, that I am able to please my Almighty for caring for this little person that has been borrowed to me. I pray that I am granted heaven after I pass, so that I can be with her eternally. I pray for my future with her. I pray for her.

And most importantly, I thank the Almighty because I love the life that I have been granted!
        

55 thoughts on “I wish someone had warned me…

  1. My theory is that often the moms we speak to before we become a mom don’t experience this, so they can’t quite warn us. Also there’s that “it won’t happen to me” thought at play, so much as someone would warn us we just don’t take it in.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Totally agree, I probably did read about some of these things, I just chose to ignore it. Many people around me felt these things and only shared it with me after I spoke about it. Perhaps some are simply not comfortable enough to speak about it?

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  2. I hear you on the struggle – well done on pushing through and persevering with regards to breastfeeding . I wrote about my struggles as well – to warn people too , its not all about taking baby selfies and feeding them three times a day . Babies have no sense of routine and you just have to adapt . And the love for your child is what makes it rewarding – the sacrifice within yourself that you learn to accept is what makes you love your child more – because they make you a better you . Enjoying following your journey – I am basically going along the same route as you πŸ™‚ My daughter is 6 months old and she is the reason I started my blog as well .You’re doing amazingly well Radhia stay strong!

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are not alone Faz, we are doing this together 😘 You will always be 1 month ahead of me, but please do contact me if ever you feel the need to chat to someone. I was so close to giving up nursing, and I am forever grateful to the Almighty for helping me push through and stick with it. The rewards of motherhood are endless! And I cannot agree more, they make you a better you! Big big hugs and kisses! 😘😘😘

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  3. Thank you for posting this! Everyone tells you about how wonderful and challening motherhood is, BUT like you say, no one goes into the detail. My breast was also very tender, my nipples hurt, ALOT. I remember once going for an interview and when I arrived home I noticed a BIG wet stain on my top – my breast were leaking! Thankfully my blazer covered my breast throughout the interview, but I am sure as I walked it moved and people saw a big wet chest!

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  4. Well done you! I feel these days pregnancy, the birth and being a mom to a new born is put on a pedestal and no one wants to talk about what is actually going on because they fear what society might think of them as parents, even though all new parents are going through the same thing.
    I can relate to every one of your points and each of them is a reason I have waited so long to have a second baby!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have to admit, I am a bit scared myself to have another baby. Feeling the love I have for Ammaarah now without a doubt makes me want more children. But I fear going through some of these things again. And at the same time, I fear that this fear will stop me from finding more joy in this life! Thanks so much for sharing that with me. 😘😘😘

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I remember hating maternity leave because of everything you described. I thought I was crazy to want to go back to work instead of spending time with my son… I always thought it was just me that couldn’t “deal” with motherhood then I realised that society makes you believe that when you become a mother, you will know what to do. Reality is that you have never done anything like it before so it’s all a learning process. My sister gave birth before me and never warned me at all. Maybe she didn’t experience what i did or maybe she was too ashamed to speak about it. Hopefully your post will make mamas realise they are not alone 😚

    Liked by 1 person

    • It truly amazes me how many others also experienced what I experienced, but the sad part is that I only discover them after I verbalize it. Perhaps it is because they are ashamed, or perhaps they did not experience it, or maybe they feel they would not want to scare other moms to be. I fail to understand it. I truly hope this reaches other moms and moms-to-be too! As that was my main reason for starting my blog, to help others in ways others may not be able to! Thanks for your wonderful comment Shereen 😘😘❀️

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  6. Hello:) your words are raw and honest and it takes courage to ‘say out loud’ what most mothers feel but are afraid to talk about. Because it’s scary being a first time mom. Pregnancy and motherhood seems like that elusive fairytale, similar to what the media portrays. We see pictures of those baby/mommy selfies all happy, that ‘gosh this is easy, let’s do it again. Now’ (no bags under the eyes. No smelly stench of breastmilk mixed with sweat).

    It’s as you’ve mentioned: How come nobody talks about the breastfeeding!? And those endless cries after you’ve just changed them, fed them, rocked them. The only one up at night, it feels like you’re alone to fend for this tiny baby. And despite the number of books out there and articles there’s no one size fits all. There is no textbook baby. Yet, nobody can know what’s best for your child than you- and you will only learn this as you grow with your child. Because it won’t be necessarily right the first, second, third time. But mothers are innately resilient. And I still feel like I am learning my way..(2 kids later and a little cherub on the way).

    You’re doing the best job you can and you’ve put your faith in the Almighty and that’s more than okay:) x

    Liked by 1 person

    • I cannot agree with you more Yusra πŸ™‚ We can only master the art of motherhood as and when you grow with it. Beautifully said! Everyone’s experience is unique, it’s just comforting knowing that you are not alone, and that it is normal to feel some of the things you feel. To know that you do not need to be so hard on yourself. To know that you are trying you best and that you ARE doing a great job. And to know that others felt this way and that it does get better. Thanks for your wonderful comment. I am in awe of the responses I am receiving and am really happy I decided to go ahead and post this piece. Congrats on your third little munchkin. May you be granted a successful and easy pregnancy IA, and may the journey ahead be more beautiful and fulfilling than you could ever imagine! xxx

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  7. Wow…. well done. Read your post to my hubby and his reponse was “That’s you Ayesha!” I cried and cried with my first. With my second I cried even more. Things get tough with a toddler and a newborn. The new baby seems easier but no one warns you with what your toddler turns into. When I look back now (@27 weeks pregnant with number 3). All the tears and frustration I felt then I’m sure I’m not gonna feel this time lol. But few weeks to go to all the painful nipples, caesarian discomfort, etc. All the pressure of i must be good mommy, include other kiddies, be good wife, be good hostess when guests come to see baby.
    All the pressure. What keeps me going is the Almighty won’t give me something that I cannot handle. Inshallah all will be better third time around. I will be little bit more prepared.

    Your post makes me laugh and go YES OMG that’s it.
    Looking forward to your next post
    XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am really happy you shared with me that you cried even more with your second baby. That prepares me for if and when I am granted a second baby. I clearly am still naive, because I thought that I would not go through this again. This is also a big reason why I started blogging, to share not only the good experiences with other moms or moms to be. I have no doubt that your journey to becoming a mom for the third time is going to be nothing but pleasant. You now have all the skills to help your little baby through the most traumatizing time for them. May you be granted an easy pregnancy, an easy birth and an easy journey IA. Big hugs and kisses to you!

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  8. Felt a little emotional reading this post and as I type this I am finally feeling a bit of the guilt I’ve been secretly carrying with me leave my chest…THANK YOU! My first born is 4years old and wow did I have it rough with her. Everything was hard! From the moment I was forced to sign permission for an emergency ceasar…everything just sucked from that point…I remember texting my sis one night after hours of endless crying and nagging and asking her if she had ever felt an urge to HURT her baby! Imagine!!!!!??? Yes it was that bad. Long story short…today I’m a mom of three and couldn’t be happier and more fulfilled…smallest is 7months. It becomes SO much easier once you know what to expect. It allows u to feel more at ease and in turn ur baby is just calmer. By this third baby I can honestly say I’ve had nothing but blissful moments with her! I’m enjoying her so much and she is so unbelievably passive that I always have that underlying guilt that tells me I was the cause of my first born being so stressed as she was probably feeding off my stress. But in the end you realize that u will never have it all figured out and that nothing can be undone…but we can live each day loving our babies as hard as we can…and pray that they grow to not just have more than us…but to BE more than us. My kids are my everything…and I make it a point to tell them that every single day!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your comment has gotten me emotional. This is the main reason why I started blogging. I was inspired by all the untold stories of Motherhood, and I wanted to help other moms or moms-to-be through their experience – whether good or bad. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. The list of things I wish someone had warned me about is endless. I too felt like hurting my baby. There were a few nights where I feel I became a little too aggressive. And it’s the most difficult thing to say out loud. It’s the most difficult thing to admit. I also know for a fact that my stress caused her to be unsettled. I proved that to myself with my struggle with breastfeeding. Have you read my post about it? It’s not as raw as this one, and now I really wish I didn’t candy coat it. All the comments I have received on this post has given me courage to continue posting an honest opinion and an honest experience. I can only hope that this post reaches others. Thank you to you! 😘

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  9. I’ve never read a mom with newborn post quite like yours where I could relate to every single point. I suffered from post natal depression with second child (thats two yrs old now) and it’s a dark place. I also think that hearing about other moms that share in your struggle becomes a survival tactic of some sort. I felt so much worse hearing other moms say that they were coping “fine”. I even hated the word “fine” lol because I was anything but fine. The worst for me was when my hubby had to go back to work.(paternal leave days are ridiculous!!) I became so envious of him…but ALAS! time has passed and it did indeed get better. The Almighty os the Greatest.
    I never thought there would be someone out there thay felt EXACTLY they way I felt especially with a baby that literally would not stop crying. Trying every technique there was to pacify her (none of which actually worked) getting MAX four hours of broken sleep for six whole months! I felt like I aged by ten years in those six months. Living in pjs/trackpants. Feeling like I spent a weekend at a spa if I could just get the opportunity to wash my hair! All I could think about was sleep and I would DREAD the night time because it would mean that’s when the struggle gets worse and my tears start flowing because she wouldnt sleep properly and I had to deal with it because i had the boobs and she would fight her sleep incessantly causing me to self loathe big time for not being able to pacify her. Etc etc etc… A thousands thank yous, your post was very refreshing. Where can we collect our medals????

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your wonderful comment Shabnam. Only after I verbalized my feelings did I discover so many others who felt the same way I did. This too encouraged me to start this blog, so that others may know that you are not alone. I personally hated when everyone told me it would get better. And as much as those words were true, I somehow needed a ‘I also felt like that’ to get me through the tough times. I am afraid of feeling the same way if I am granted another child, it’s one of my biggest fears. But at the same time, I would love for Ammaarah to have a sibling. I too resented Zieyaad for being able to go back to work. I wanted to be him, I wanted to go back to work so that I could gain control again. But as you said, alas, it did get better. And now it has become my passion – Motherhood! Thanks for sharing a bit of your story with me 😘❀️😘❀️

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  10. I wish this was posted 6 weeks ago…that is exactly how i felt, my baby is 6 weeks today and i can finally say I love him more than my own life..i actually enjoy nursing him..i had pain for 5 weeks, ppl told me to hang in there and i wanted to hang them or myself…
    Thanks sooo much, ur blog is beyond awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wish I posted this sooner, just so that you could have known that I went through it too! I struggled to find the courage to post this, for fear of feeling ashamed once the negativity started pouring in. But after all the support I have received, I am so happy I posted it. Congrats on the birth of your baby, and the birth of you as a mother. Well done for persevering through the pain of nursing. I wrote a post about my struggle, although I candy coated it. I wish I didn’t now that I see these responses. Have a read. As everyone always says, it does get better. And only you will feel the relief of that statement when the time comes. If you feel you love him now, wait until he is 3 months old, the love becomes deeper and more fulfilling! Hugs and kisses to you 😘😘😘

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  11. Wow. This is not only for mothers that give birth. I adopted a baby and had some of the some experience. My baby was 5 months old when she came home and everything I thought about motherhood was tested. The first 3 night was euphoric and my body was not tired after giving birth, no hormonal imbalances etc but because I didn’t get maternity leave and was given exactly 3 days notice we had a new baby home with NO support put in place as I lives miles away from my family.

    Then the sleep deprivation hit. and it hits you so hard that NOTHING can prepare for this. My body went into shock and I was a mess. I had moments of resentment too and then moments of sheer shame for feeling resentment. Had we not just gone through hoops to adopt? Just like you I once shouted so loud at my baby to shut up because I couldn’t figure out why the heck she was crying that she got a shock and trembled. It shocked me so much to the core that I had that in me. I had been exasperated with her before but this was on another level. I started sobbing from the shame and called my husband to tell him what I had just done and begged him to come home. Too this day it is hard for me to think of that day and I felt traumatised, useless and like I was failing her.

    I am happy to report that it did pass and I have hit my stride. She is 11 months old and I love the chops off her.

    Its really good that we can read these things and that we share experiences so that new mummies don’t feel alone. So Thank you!

    PS. I have picked up weight too because I eat cold, unhealthy food a lot. Something I did not expect from the adoption process.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I cannot describe in words how I feel having reached out to you. I struggle to live with the shame at how aggressive I became too. But hearing everyone’s experience helps me realize that it’s okay, that it was part of my motherhood, and that it does not make me a bad parent. Our lives were turned upside down, and reacted in the best way we knew how. I thank the Almighty everyday for allowing me to feel ashamed, as it gave me the strength to persevere through it. And yes, nothing can prepare you for the side effects of sleep deprivation! I admire you and your husband, not many people have the courage to adopt, nor do they have the courage to share it with others. You are an inspiration! Big hugs and kisses to you!

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      • The problem with adoption is that we have a lot more fear of judgement that people will assume that we don’t love our child because we didn’t give birth to them. Its good that we feel shame because it shows we are not psychos that will harm a baby for the fun of it. It doesn’t feel good at all. We did it because we were fatigued, exhausted and few can function under the conditions that becoming a mother demand.

        Liked by 1 person

      • That must be so much worse Laverne, the fear of judgement because of adoption. People tend to forget that the baby treats you the same way, whether you have given birth or not. It’s a sad reality. It’s terrible, because we already feel ashamed ourselves, we don’t need more judgement eyes looking over us!

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  12. I just love your post. I had a great pregnancy, just some nausea. Its what came after, that hit me so bad, I didn’t know if I was coming or going. I can relate to each point in your post. I think the worst for me was having so many visitors in and out of my house, all day all night, which just added to my frustration. I ended up packing my bag and hiding out by my mom’s house just to get away from everyone. Sad part is that your husband doesnt understand whats wrong with u or whats the big deal about. I really didnt think there was someone that went thro what I did. Aaliyah is a year now and its been tiny baby steps for me. Im still not myself, i wonder if i ever will be. There are days its all easy and then days when I feel like pulling out my hair but I put on a smile and sing clap handies for the 100th time while i feed and bath Aaliyah. Its hard work but you just make things work. You have to. You can’t give up or go back. You just have to pick urself up and move fwd. I keep telling myself that tomorrow things will get better and one day i will look back on all of this and admire my beautiful family….all grown up. Hats off to all the mom’s, you’re doing a fantastic job! xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for sharing this with me Laila!

      And yes, I agree with you, I too am not myself yet. But I don’t think we will ever be, because we have become a mother. And that is not a bad thing, we just need time to get to know our new selves better!

      I was amazed when I discovered that so many other moms also felt like me, they just didn’t speak about it. Exactly what gave me the courage to post this. It wasn’t easy, but all the supportive comments makes it really worthwhile!

      We have to move forward, and we have make sure that we find the joy in all of our new experiences.

      People think I’m crazy with all the pictures I take, but once I go through the pics on my phone, I really how many wonderful moments I had in the day, which completely trumps the number of ‘I don’t know if I can do this anymore’ moments!

      One day at a time and one step at a time. A new life had begun for us, alhamd!

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  13. Just read your post on how difficult the transition to motherhood was. Well done, thank you for writing what so many of us are scared to admit. It rang so true to me. I have an 8 week old little boy and it has been difficult. He also only sleeps in my arms/on me. It is so hard and exhausting. You mentioned your little girl had gas, how did you help her? Did she eventually grow out of it?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your kind words Sally! Oh I really know what you mean when you say it’s hard and exhausting! Ammaarah slept in my arms for 12 weeks, until I decided to start the sleep training. I wrote a post about the tummy shhh pat method. Read through it and try it. I only allowed her to sleep on her tummy during the day so that I could constantly monitor her. As for the gas, she definitely grew out of it. I am so thankful that she is no longer in pain! I discovered the product called ‘Tummy Calm’ and the effects was amazing! I wish I discovered it sooner. I wrote about it in my post ‘Meeting a new Ammaarah’, have a read through it. Please do contact me should you wish to chat. Well done on successfully being a Mama for 8 weeks. Your little boy is strong and healthy and thriving because of you. No matter how hard it is, don’t forget to look at your achievements thus far. The fourth trimester is real, it’s not a myth. You are 4 weeks away from meeting a new little boy! Big hugs and kisses to you!

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      • Thank you for replying Radhia and for your encouragement . I see the Tummy Calm is an American product, where did you get it? I so agree with you saying that the 4th trimester is real!! I am experiencing itπŸ˜„ what is the post’s title where you have written about the tummy shh pat method? Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • You are more than welcome Sally! I got Tummy Calm from babygroup.co.za, I really would recommend it. Especially since it worked so well for us! Glad to know you found the post 😘

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  14. This article read as if I had written it myself. I even phoned my mom one day and asked her to please take care (like, forever) of my daughter because I felt like I truly sucked at motherhood. Worst thing is that, when the doctor asked me whether I felt depressed, I lied and said no! I felt so ashamed of my feelings and felt like I was being ungrateful.
    With my second daughter I instantly felt that over powering love that took MONTHS to develop with my first. It hasn’t all been easy but definitely easier. She is now 20 months and loves to be independent. Yay!
    I tell my friends that I think you have to ‘break’ so you can put part of your personality into your child.
    I have much love for people who are honest!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I sometimes wonder what it would be like should I ever be granted another baby MommyD. I wonder if I will go through the same things or if it would be easier. I wonder if I will struggle with love again. But then I need to remind myself that each journey is different and that the fear shouldn’t hinder me from experiencing another great love again! I was so afraid to post this for the fear of feeling ashamed. But I truly realised, after reading everyone’s comments, that there is nothing to be ashamed about. It is normal and it is part of motherhood. I fail to understand why people don’t talk about it, and my goal is to verbalize my experiences, good and bad, so that others may feel less ‘alone’! Thanks so much for your support!

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  15. Pingback: April Roundup and Linky | South African Mom Blogs

  16. loved this article and i really admire your courage for being brave enough to share it. only a mother will understand and comprehend as she reads it, as did i

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Wow …..
    I have 5 beautiful daughters the eldest is 9 and the smallest is 2. May Allah reward you for your openness. I experianced every single one of your anxieties in multiples. Becoming a mom and Being a mom is the hardest but the reward is all worth it. Allah brings you through all those initial difficulties so as time passes your child/children become the key/s to your heart and soul. When you ponder and reflect and the tears flow u smile thru those tears and you realise how merciful our creator is and you have an understanding of a mothers purpose in life. Now the realisation of Allah’s greatest reward of a mother is that Jannah lies under the feet of the mother.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I cannot agree with you more Shireen! We have so much to be thankful for, so much Shukr to make to the Almighty! Another reason why I started blogging, so that it will always be a reminder and something my little girl can read one day when she becomes a mother, by the will of Allah! Hugs and kisses!

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  18. Im so thankful to read this!!!! I feel normal!!! I can say this is exactly what ive been gping through. Wondering if im bad mother for screaming at a crying baby not knowing what he wants. And the challenges of new things every week. He is 4 weeks now to find out he has silent reflux. Relieved to know what the actual problem is ,YES
    happy about this new ”thing” HELL NO. Thanx for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your response is the exact reason I wanted to post this piece! So that I could help others feel better about their adjustment to motherhood. Thank you so much for sharing with me, and for supporting this piece. Well done, 4 weeks, what an achievement!!! Just remember that there is only 8 weeks left for that first trimester to pass. Now that you know what the problem is, you can give your son the comfort he needs to help him through this tough time. Count down count down, you are going to be amazed at the difference. Big hugs to you 😘

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  19. Thanks for sharing!! I’m 4 months along now and so scared of all the things I hear. I know it will be worth it in the end but I feel being a bit scared is a good thing and ‘knowing’ what to expect can ‘kinda’ prepare one for the worst. I am super excited because I waited a long time for this miracle but at the same time I am super scared. xox

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Yumna! Thanks so much for reading my post and responding with your comment. From my personal experience, I really wish I had known about these things so that I could be rather pleasantly surprised when the adjustment to motherhood was much easier than what I was told, as opposed to being shocked! Nevertheless, if you take anything from my blog, know that it only lasts for three months! Congrats on your pregnancy, may you be granted a successful pregnancy, and easy birth and an easy adjustment to motherhood! 😘😘

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