Heaven alone knows why, when I was pregnant, I only and constantly prayed for a successful natural birth. It would be a ritual in my daily prayers to ask the Almighty for a successful pregnancy and a successful natural birth. I was so naive and ignorant. I did not think about after birth. I did not think about nursing. I did not think about my emotions. Seeing all the pictures that mama’s put up of their peaceful sleeping babies made me believe that I was going to master motherhood and ace the transition from being me to being a mama. I was so wrong! There are so many things I did not know.
Before you read any further, I need to mention to you that this was my experience and that as everyone is unique, everyone’s experience is different. I pray that you do not go through what I went through. I truly wish for you to have the best experience with your transition. But during that fourth trimester, I wished and wished so hard to turn back the hands of time so that someone could have warned me about what I was truly about to go through when I became a mother. So I am here to tell you about my experience, I am here to be that person I wished for, someone who would go into a little bit more depth of what the initial phase of motherhood could be like.
And I am here to tell you and prove to you that it gets better. It gets better every day. You have to grow into it. And once you do, it will be the most rewarding experience. Life before her would have become meaningless and incomplete (read my post about this here). You will fall in love…completely, unconditionally and eternally.
So here goes. These are some of the things I wish someone had told me….
- Everyone said that breastfeeding would come naturally. LIE. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, let alone the most excruciating pain I have ever felt.
- Everyone said there would be love at first sight…but as I said in my previous post (read about that here), that was a myth to me.
- Everyone warned me that I would be sleep deprived, which is what I expected, but no one warned me about the consequences of sleep deprivation- Anger-Resentment-Depression-Moody. I hated life.
- The antenatal classes warned me about the baby blues and post natal depression, but no one spoke about the depths of it. I wished for her to be back in my tummy. I wasn’t sure if I loved her. I cried multiple times a day. I cried the moment she woke up, for the fear of having to bear the pain of nursing again. I hated myself. I resented Zieyaad for doing this to me. I resented him for being able to drink coffee with our visitors while I was stuck in my room nursing a baby that would not stop crying. I wanted to go back to being me. I did not want this. (Yes, this is how terrible and awful you could possibly feel)
- Did anyone ever mention to you that the hormone imbalance will make you sweat and smell stinky? I wanted to take a shower so badly, but this baby who would not stop crying did not allow me to. I sat there, smelly, nursing my baby and feeling completely grossed out at the entire experience.
- Did anyone ever mention that you would possibly wish so badly for your old life to return? (Post natal depression)
- Did anyone ever mention that you will feel completely useless and like an utter and total failure when your baby refuses to stop crying? And she did not stop crying. And whenever she woke, I already felt like I was failing.
- Did anyone ever mention that the first two weeks is the honeymoon stage, where they truly nurse, poop and sleep all day? But when those two weeks are over that is when the s**t really hits the fan?
- What about the pain of the engorgement of your breasts when your milk starts to flow? I won’t go into the gory details of this, please rather google it.
- Or how horrid you would feel having just fell asleep for the 10th time that evening, only to be woken by a screaming baby 5 minutes later? Making you even more moody than you were a few minutes ago?
- Or how you would cry with your baby, looking at her and shaking her, screaming for someone to please tell you what the heck is going on?
- There was a time where she fussed while I was feeding. And because I thought that feeding was the solution, I forced her to nurse in the hope that she would stop crying. And when she didn’t, I just plonked her on the bed and left her to cry and screamed at her to stop?
- Everyone told me to keep my energy levels up. I needed to eat and drink lots of fluids. But how the heck was I supposed to do this when my baby would not stop crying?
And now I am crying as I am writing this post. I am reading it over and over, and each time I read it, I realise how bad it sounds. I think I should stop now. Should I post this? I don’t want to scare you. I don’t want to scare you away from experiencing true love (you think you loved someone until you meet your baby – indescribable).
But I have to post this. I promised myself that I would not hide these things that so many others hide. I promised myself that I would share my story. I promised myself that I would help other mama’s as much and as far as I am able to.
Even though this was a traumatising experience for me, I now would never wish to ever go back. This is my life. This is my purpose. I breathe for her. I live for her. This is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I have found my passion.
I am forever thankful to the Almighty for bestowing this gift upon me. I now pray that I am able to fulfill my duties of being a mother, that I am able to please my Almighty for caring for this little person that has been borrowed to me. I pray that I am granted heaven after I pass, so that I can be with her eternally. I pray for my future with her. I pray for her.