Losing control 

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the birthday cake (minus the cars)

It was a busy and successful day. My nephew had his 1st birthday party and it was a great success. The kids had so much fun at his Cars themed birthday party. I think that must be the best part of a children’s party, seeing the little guests go home beyond exhausted because they had so much fun!

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my beautiful sister and her son

she was mesmorised by something

she was mesmorised by something

But now my home is in a mess. Ammaarah is finally sleeping, I am so exhausted but I cannot sleep.

I am laying on the couch, half watching a movie, but I cannot concentrate because there is a pile of washing that need to be folded, the clothes I wore this weekend need to be thrown in the wash basket, the kitchen is untidy with so many things that need to be packed away from yesterday’s preparation for the party today, the kitchen floors are covered in glitter and flour because of the party favours we made, dishes need to be washed, her bottles need to be sterilized, the cook books I used last week need to be packed away, the lampshades I am staring at need a spring clean, the tupperware cupboard needs to be packed, her 0 to 3 months clothing need to be sorted and given away, that bottom drawer in the kitchen that is filled with every odd and end that needed a home needs to be sorted, I need to complete orders for my pacifier clips, the fridge needs to be cleaned, etc. etc. etc. The list is endless.
All of a sudden I feel like I have lost control of my home. I don’t know where anything is anymore. I don’t know whether I am coming or going.
I am a control freak, and always have been. I need to have things in order. I need to do things a certain way. If that does not happen, I lose my mind! That is most definitely part of the reason why I struggled to adjust to motherhood – because I lost control. Those times I wished to be back at work as opposed to being with a crying baby, was only because I wanted control. I yearned for it. I wanted to be able to do something from start to finish without any disturbances. That cannot happen anymore unfortunately.
when did you cheeks become so fat??

when did you cheeks become so fat??

happy girl early in the morning!

happy girl early in the morning!

And that’s okay. I am trying to make peace with it. Before, I would have been doing a spring clean on a Saturday evening because the chaos bothered me too much to sleep. Now, it is bothering me, but not to the point where I need to do it at this moment.

This is a new me, I am now a mother. And I am slowly beginning to get to know myself better. Step by step, moment by moment and day by day. 

13 thoughts on “Losing control 

  1. Don’t give her 0-3 month clothes away! Chances are she wore them for such a short time you can use it off your next child is a girl inshallah! We packed all of Rushdi’s clothes that are too small for him in vacuum sealed bags.

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    • I almost feel as though the fact that someone else would be able to use those clothes totally trumps them laying in my cupboard for a year or two. Ameen InshaAllah for another girl baby! But I trust that each child comes with their own rizq, and when that time comes, someone else will pass their babies clothes onto me. I will definitely be keeping the special items though 😊

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  2. Again! I can totally relate, with ️Asmaa at 3 months and me being back at full time baking at home, I sometimes look at my place and the chaos and want throw in the towel lol.i guess I’m not alone .
    Shukran for your awesome posts👍

    Liked by 1 person

    • So many times I have wanted to throw in the towel Raushan! Nowadays I walk passed an untidy pile and just close my eyes. I have to, otherwise I will never relax or sleep. Aahh, maybe that’s why I haven’t been sleeping well, the chaos is bothering me too much 🙈

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    • This was the first time that I fully realised that I have and will continue to change. Especially since the chaos in my house will remain as such until Amaarah (and possibly future kids) are much older! 🙈🙈🙈

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  3. Its amazing how things go – first you are in the stage you are now, then it gets even more hectic in the toddler years and as the years go on they get more independent but you still do not have the time to tidy because now its all their activities. In the end, you learn how to adapt – a great part of motherhood

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  4. Pingback: May Roundup and Linky - South African Mom Blogs

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