I am laying on the couch, half watching a movie, but I cannot concentrate because there is a pile of washing that need to be folded, the clothes I wore this weekend need to be thrown in the wash basket, the kitchen is untidy with so many things that need to be packed away from yesterday’s preparation for the party today, the kitchen floors are covered in glitter and flour because of the party favours we made, dishes need to be washed, her bottles need to be sterilized, the cook books I used last week need to be packed away, the lampshades I am staring at need a spring clean, the tupperware cupboard needs to be packed, her 0 to 3 months clothing need to be sorted and given away, that bottom drawer in the kitchen that is filled with every odd and end that needed a home needs to be sorted, I need to complete orders for my pacifier clips, the fridge needs to be cleaned, etc. etc. etc. The list is endless.
All of a sudden I feel like I have lost control of my home. I don’t know where anything is anymore. I don’t know whether I am coming or going.
I am a control freak, and always have been. I need to have things in order. I need to do things a certain way. If that does not happen, I lose my mind! That is most definitely part of the reason why I struggled to adjust to motherhood – because I lost control. Those times I wished to be back at work as opposed to being with a crying baby, was only because I wanted control. I yearned for it. I wanted to be able to do something from start to finish without any disturbances. That cannot happen anymore unfortunately.
This is a new me, I am now a mother. And I am slowly beginning to get to know myself better. Step by step, moment by moment and day by day.