I am important too…

My personal goal was to exclusively breastfeed for at least one year. My career however has not co-operated with this plan. Adjusting to working full-time has been extremely difficult for me. There are blurred lines between work and home, and I just cannot seem to define them. I am really struggling. I suppose it will only take time, as proven with almost every other part of my motherhood.

The type of work I do is quite stressful. There are always multiple deliverables due at the same time, causing my day to be extremely busy. I did not mind the constant pressure before she was born because it was always okay to leave work a little later in order to meet my requirements. But things are different now, everything has changed. Working a little late, even if it just on some days, is no longer ideal. And yes I know, there will be times when I am required to work late, in order to meet a deadline, but on normal ‘business as usual days’, working late is definitely not ideal.

Working days have become a constant rush. I am rushing in the morning to get myself ready, express, and get her sorted before I make my way to work. I am rushing at work so that I can take some time off to express and so that I can still leave on time (even though I have taken time off to express). I rush home so that I can spend roughly 2 hours with her before it is her bedtime. Sleep training was successful, so Ammaarah goes to bed at 8pm on most evenings. When I get home, I am therefore still rushing, as I need to bath and feed her and play with her during those very short two hours. By the time she goes to sleep, I am absolutely exhausted. My sister warned me about this, about the difficulty in adjusting to being a working mother. And she was right, it really is tough! (I commend every single one of you working mommy’s!)

It has become too much for me to cope with and I needed to find a way to relieve myself from some of this constant rushing. I therefore made the difficult decision to stop expressing. We decided that it would be okay to do combined feeding – breastfeeding in morning and evenings, and formula feeding during the day. The decision was tough, because I felt extremely guilty and because I felt like a failure, but the signs were all there. Expressing had become difficult and more time-consuming, and I am positive it was due to the stress caused by all the rushing. I tried to remain calm, but I couldn’t. I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with combined feeding, or even formula feeding alone, but I had a plan and things are not going according to my plan. (I have been reminded yet again that my plans are never the final plans!)

It took me a while to come to terms with my decision. But after accepting the decision and trusting in the assistance from the Almighty, I could immediately see and feel the difference in my working day. I no longer rush in the morning and more importantly, I no longer rush her when she feeds in the morning. I no longer rush at work which has resulted in me becoming more efficient. I no longer rush when I get home, because I am no longer stressed from rushing since the moment I woke up. And it is all because I have more time!

I now see that it is okay for me to be selfish sometimes, and to think about how my decisions for her affects me. I am calmer, I feel less stressed, and most of all, I am happier. It was a difficult decision, but a good decision. It was a good decision for me. I am sure that this is not the last of the difficult decisions I have to make during my motherhood, where I have to choose between her and myself. And none of it will probably be easy. But this experience of expressing has taught me a valuable lesson, and that is that I am important too! Something I seemed to have lost along the way…

I am important too

5 thoughts on “I am important too…

  1. For some reason we’re led to believe formula is poison,or the minute you stop breastfeeding you’re a failure as a mom.But the truth is you are still doing what’s best for your baby!I’m glad you made the decision rather than doubting for much longer – you need to be in a good space for baby to be in a good space. Well done you’re doing an amazing job with balancing it all – mommy hood, full time job and the clips business Alhamdullilah šŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So very true! I was a working mom when my boys were born but with my 3rd child, a girl I was home until she went to primary school.

    I was unsuccessful with breastfeeding the brothers (as Victoria calls them) but did exclusively breasts feed Victoria until she was two.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pingback: One day at a timeĀ  | Treatmesweetlie

  4. Pingback: One day at a timeĀ  - Treatmesweetlie

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