I have been awefully quiet on the blog lately, and that is purely because I am struggling to juggle all my life commitments at the moment.
Being a working mother is tougher than what I expected, and I am still struggling daily. All the responsibilities and all the things I am expected to do in just one day is overwhelming. I find myself feeling so stressed that I am not able to sleep well at night. Most mothers that I chat to have been really honest and have shared the same experience as me. They tell me that it doesn’t really get better and that life actually just becomes busier, but you become used to having multplie responsibilities and you truly learn the art of multi tasking. It must be doable, because there are so many succesful working mothers today, I am just struggling to fathom the fact that this would one day become a norm.
My previous post, I am important too, was also about my struggle to adjust to being a working mother, and I almost feel as though I am harping on the topic. But I wouldn’t be true to you if I was not honest about this phase of my motherhood. That was the main reason I started this blog, to share all parts of motherhood, good and bad.
One evening this past week, the first night of the month of Ramadaan (a religious month of fasting from sunrise to sunset), I had a mini breakdown. I was exhausted, I had a stressful day at work, and all I wanted to do was take a shower so that I could have time to pray before I go to bed. But that evening, Ammaarah would not settle. I actually think that she had her official first tantrum – she would not stop crying. She did not want to feed, she did not want to be held, she did not want to be alone, it seemed as though she just wanted to cry. I did not know what to do, I lost control and I just burst into tears. I ended up crying so much louder than her, which in turn caused her to momentarily stop crying. I think she was shocked!
I realised that I just needed a moment, so I placed her in her cot, gave her dummy and snuggle bunny and just walked out the room. She continued to cry, and I continued to cry, until eventually she calmed down. I then went in to pick her up again, hold her for a bit and put her down again before she finally fell asleep.
When I think back, I really do not know what was so bad that caused me to breakdown that evening, but for some reason I just could not handle the outburst. (Is it still my hormones that are trying to normalize after birth?)
While I had my moment of crying, I could not help but imagine what it would have been like had I not had a baby. Working would be as per usual, and this holy month of Ramadaan would be as it is every year. I would be able to plan my time appropriately, so that I had time to pray and get to bed at a descent time for a good nights rest. I felt so guilty for having those thoughts (which made me cry even more). Was it really possible for me to still be feeling like this after 7 months post birth??
I resided to the fact that this is probably normal and that many other mothers also go through these moments of relapses. I resided to the fact that I just needed time to adjust to another first in our lives, as this is our first Ramadaan as a family of three. And I resided to the fact that, most importantly, I need to learn that these moments are to be expected, that there will be countless more in the future and that I need to learn how to relax!
One day at a time, one step at a time…