I am important too…

My personal goal was to exclusively breastfeed for at least one year. My career however has not co-operated with this plan. Adjusting to working full-time has been extremely difficult for me. There are blurred lines between work and home, and I just cannot seem to define them. I am really struggling. I suppose it will only take time, as proven with almost every other part of my motherhood.

The type of work I do is quite stressful. There are always multiple deliverables due at the same time, causing my day to be extremely busy. I did not mind the constant pressure before she was born because it was always okay to leave work a little later in order to meet my requirements. But things are different now, everything has changed. Working a little late, even if it just on some days, is no longer ideal. And yes I know, there will be times when I am required to work late, in order to meet a deadline, but on normal ‘business as usual days’, working late is definitely not ideal.

Working days have become a constant rush. I am rushing in the morning to get myself ready, express, and get her sorted before I make my way to work. I am rushing at work so that I can take some time off to express and so that I can still leave on time (even though I have taken time off to express). I rush home so that I can spend roughly 2 hours with her before it is her bedtime. Sleep training was successful, so Ammaarah goes to bed at 8pm on most evenings. When I get home, I am therefore still rushing, as I need to bath and feed her and play with her during those very short two hours. By the time she goes to sleep, I am absolutely exhausted. My sister warned me about this, about the difficulty in adjusting to being a working mother. And she was right, it really is tough! (I commend every single one of you working mommy’s!)

It has become too much for me to cope with and I needed to find a way to relieve myself from some of this constant rushing. I therefore made the difficult decision to stop expressing. We decided that it would be okay to do combined feeding – breastfeeding in morning and evenings, and formula feeding during the day. The decision was tough, because I felt extremely guilty and because I felt like a failure, but the signs were all there. Expressing had become difficult and more time-consuming, and I am positive it was due to the stress caused by all the rushing. I tried to remain calm, but I couldn’t. I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with combined feeding, or even formula feeding alone, but I had a plan and things are not going according to my plan. (I have been reminded yet again that my plans are never the final plans!)

It took me a while to come to terms with my decision. But after accepting the decision and trusting in the assistance from the Almighty, I could immediately see and feel the difference in my working day. I no longer rush in the morning and more importantly, I no longer rush her when she feeds in the morning. I no longer rush at work which has resulted in me becoming more efficient. I no longer rush when I get home, because I am no longer stressed from rushing since the moment I woke up. And it is all because I have more time!

I now see that it is okay for me to be selfish sometimes, and to think about how my decisions for her affects me. I am calmer, I feel less stressed, and most of all, I am happier. It was a difficult decision, but a good decision. It was a good decision for me. I am sure that this is not the last of the difficult decisions I have to make during my motherhood, where I have to choose between her and myself. And none of it will probably be easy. But this experience of expressing has taught me a valuable lesson, and that is that I am important too! Something I seemed to have lost along the way…

I am important too

Sunday OOTD #5

It’s raining, it’s pouring, the old man is…

Today my girlfriends and I are spending the day together, with our kiddies, in doors, on this cold and rainy Sunday. It is the first wet weekend of this years cold season, and mind you, it isn’t even winter yet! 

I’m beginning to get the urge to dress her in many layers already. But it isn’t that cold yet, what am I going to do when it becomes really cold? 

I am also struggling to find warm clothes for her in stores. I would have thought the winter ranges would have been launched already. Any ideas of where to find nice warm clothing for winter? 

Today’s look is all about being warm, snug and most of all comfortable!

   

Pink knitted cap
Cotton On Kids 

Red star printed vest Pick n Pay Clothing 

Grey track pantsWoolworths baby (these are sold in a pack of two and are amazing. They are lined with fleece and are really comfy!)

Pink and grey striped socksPick n Pay Clothing (I am in love with their range of rattle socks! This one is called ‘Tiny Tatty Teddy’ and has stickey spots at the bottom for non slip moments)

Coral pacifier clip and tan pacifier clip used for Sophie Le Giraffe – Treatmesweetlie (order via Treatmesweetlie@gmail.com)