Separation anxiety is real! 

They say that she is too young for separation anxiety, I say that that is totally false. She cried for most of the day and refused to drink the bottle. She was also highly upset with me, as she wouldn’t make eye contact with me for almost two hours after I returned from work. It felt like a lifetime! She fell asleep on the way home and I waited oh so impatiently for her to wake so that she could smile at me again. It was shocking, but most of all it was hurtful. I couldn’t believe that my little girl was angry because I left her. Did she feel abandoned? My first day was officially more tough for her than it was me, totally honest! 

I wore the biggest sunglasses as I drove to work, to hide the many tears that streamed down my face. I cried even more thinking about the huge tears that were rolling over her chubby cheeks. Even though it was a really busy at work (I’m returning at the most busiest time of the year), I was constantly counting down the hours, and then the minutes, until it was time for me to leave so that I could be with her. I missed her. I missed her smell. I missed nursing. I missed holding and cuddling. I missed changing her nappy. I missed that spit up smell on my shoulder because I played too much for her little full tummy. I missed everything. And most of all, I missed us!
I wished so badly that I could return to work those first few weeks after she was born. So that I could gain control again and gain some sort of normality. Back then I thought it would be easy. Now, almost 4 months later, I hated having to go back to work and it was extremely difficult! I hated being apart from her for so long. Gosh, so much change in so little time. Time, time, everyone said I just needed time.
This too will change. This phase too shall pass. It will get easier.
I need to remind myself that I am doing this for her. I need to remind myself that she will be okay. I need to remind myself that I will be okay. I need to remind myself that just like with everything, I need to rely on the Almighty first before anything or anyone else, to get me through this part of motherhood.
Oh Princess Porschie, how I wish tomorrow did not have to repeat today!

my sleeping beauty on the morning of my first day back

i could not wait for her to wake up so that she could give me a smile again, and when she did, my heart melted!

i wore the biggest sunglasses to hide my tears

I chose to work 

The time is drawing nearer and nearer for me to return to work, and I am becoming more and more nervous. As I am sitting on her great grandmothers bed, watching her sleep so peacefully (I am trying to get her used to these surroundings, because soon this is where she will be while I am at work), so many unanswered questions are going through my mind – how will she be without me? How will I be without her? Will I be able to work and be a mother? Am I going to be able to continue breastfeeding? Will my baby want to continue nursing? Will my baby still love me the same way? Will she one day resent me for going back to work? What is going to happen if I need to travel for work? What is going to happen if I need to work late one day and I cannot be there to tuck her into bed? Gosh oh gosh, I wish I did not have to step into the next stage of motherhood just yet. I’m just not ready. It’s been so rough the first three months, and now I have to go through another big adjustment. I’m just not ready!

We chose the way we live our lives and we chose the things we call necessities. And by choosing these things, I chose to become a working mother. So many things fall into perspective once you become a parent, as you truly realize what is important in life and what is a true necessity. There are so many things, material things, that I have in my life that I do not need and can live without. But yet, I have chosen to go back to work.
But I need to remind myself that I have chosen to work for my little girl. I chose to work so that I may provide for her all the many things we would not otherwise have been able to. I chose to work because I have my parents,  who are so willing to care for my Ammaarah while I am at work. I chose to work so that I may contribute towards our future as a family, so that I may contribute towards fulfilling some of her dreams. I chose to work to make her life that little bit easier.
You see, it is all for her. It is all for my family. And not forgetting, it is all and only because the Almighty has granted me the ability to do this. I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to be grateful for. Again I am reminded that all praises are due to the Almighty.